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April 14, 2013
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Greed by Angel-Tsuki Greed by Angel-Tsuki

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1st of My series: 'The Seven Deadly Sins' . please tell me if you are willing to read poems on the other 6 sins too! I'll be glad if you looked at the two sins i wrote on here ---> The Seven Deadly Sins
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:iconnot-an-emo-girl942:
not-an-emo-girl942 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

Hello, I'm a critic from :iconwriters--club:!  I really love what you did with this piece!  You captured a theme that is simple -but apparently invisible- with an ease that I admire.  You wove your message into the form of a story, and I think you did it wonderfully.  You put so much into the personality of your narrator in such a simple, straightforward fashion, and that is really something to be commended.  I also love the length of this piece.  It is just long enough to say what you need to say without the distraction an overly long piece can provide.  It reminds me of a fairytale: short, sweet, straight to the message. :)

 

On the other hand, I found a lot of the formatting distracting.  I'm not entirely sure if this fits any traditional form, so I don't know exactly why you arranged each line like you did.  That is to say, I don't know why you rhymed some lines within themselves "...again // ...ten!" versus "...be // ...Me."  In general, rhymed verse should be standard throughout the piece or even divided by section.  Without that unison, the rhyme scheme just seems uneven and choppy.  Also on the note of formatting, I don't know what kind of file you uploaded here, but I would recommend copy and pasting your text into the box instead.  The additional baubles floating around just distract me because I am an internet user and constantly distracted.  :)

 

Overall, this is a lovely piece!  It's sweet and simple and shows a whole lot of promise.  Hope to see more of your work soon!

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:iconmizztusspot:
MizzTusspot Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hi Angel-Tsuki! I find this poem very beautiful  because of the way in which you employed a whimsical, passionate rhyming structure (one can just imagine the speaker standing before a mirror imagining themselves on a throne decked out in jewels) and the way in which the true, darker meaning was subtly wound into the beginning, only to make a powerful appearance at the end.  Nice! I would suggest making the poem structure a bit more formal - perhaps number your stanzas so that they each have three lines? That way it would provide for a more organized visual read.

Don't stop writing!
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:iconmarija343:
Marija343 Featured By Owner May 3, 2013
This is excellent *o* I'm glad to read the poem with a theme similar to mine, but with a completely different approach ^_^ You nailed it! :D
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:iconangel-tsuki:
Angel-Tsuki Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thank you soooooooo much!! I'm so elated!! :iconexcitedblushplz: when you do have the time, please do look into the other sins to and tell me where i can improve. Only if you have the time that is. ^_^
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:iconmarija343:
Marija343 Featured By Owner May 4, 2013
I'll be sure to do that ^^ Your poetry is really good *o* When my exams are done, I'll go through your whole gallery :)
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:iconangel-tsuki:
Angel-Tsuki Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
That is so kind of you!!! Thank you so much for taking your time and exaaaaammsss.... :iconstudytimeplz: It's such a pain. And yeah, All the best!!
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:iconmarija343:
Marija343 Featured By Owner May 6, 2013
Haha xD Thank you, I'll do my best ^^ And seriously...I do look like this when I study ---> :iconstudytimeplz: xD
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:iconangel-tsuki:
Angel-Tsuki Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
LOL me too! xD Onion heads are AWESOME! xD
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:iconmarija343:
Marija343 Featured By Owner May 7, 2013
Totally :)
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:iconkycesilverfalcon:
KyceSilverFalcon Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh, definitely. I will truly enjoy and look forward to all other 6. Did you get the idea from your brother's homunculus drawing? I think that's pretty neat, and it was pretty inspiring.

Mirrors are one of the most inspirational phenomenon I've ever seen, being only second to nature, color and music, which is an amazing placement. And as such, I do love the sentiment behind this piece. Spoiled people are bound to have reality stare them in the face at some point or another, whether it changes them or not.:nod:
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